I'm changing things around. No more moping around whining about the things I'm sad or mad about. I'm turning my blog into a vlog. I'm going to post videos of me (singing mostly) and sometimes videos just about how I'm feeling that day. I'm pretty excited. And I've already got some videos to post.
This week I decided that I wanted to try out of the new hit show The Voice. And online they have an "online audition" section where you make a 30 second video of you singing and showcasing your voice to one of five songs provided. I made three videos but have only been able to upload one of them. But the catch is, when you upload it it gets rated by a voice analyzer and any video with a rating of 8 or higher gets sent to the producers. This video got an 8.18:
I was pretty excited. And it says you can upload one video per song...so by God I've done three of them!
Here is Hey Soul Sister, by Train:
And I did Ain't No Mountain High Enough too!
Well, let me know what ya think! I'm feeling really musical lately so I have lots more videos to share with you all.
I'm not a happy person and I sure as hell can't keep pretending like I am.
It's like one thing after another. I can't live with anyone because I'm too picky and too clean. I'm a bitch to my boyfriend because I get bored after a while. I feel like I'm the red-headed stepchild of my family. No offense to my ginger boyfriend, of course. I'm tired of school because I feel forced to do it and do it well.
I'm in one of those ruts where you just want to lay around all day and do nothing. And what have I done today? Just that.
I'm a depressed mess. I have the urge to cry twenty four hours of every day of the week. And it's annoying.
I'm tired of being a bitch to my boyfriend. I'm tired of constantly being annoyed by every little thing he does. I'm tired of things not working.
And I'd like to be able to say "I wish it could all go back to how it was when I used to be happy" but it just doesn't work like that because, in reality, I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.
Everyone says "you should talk to someone". But what are they going to do say "And how does that make you feel?" and prescribe me some crazy pills? Well, it makes me feel like shit and I don't want crazy pills because I don't want to be another statistic- like my mother.
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!
I can't get away from any of this. And what's even worse, is when I'm by myself, all I do is think about all of this. I sit and I think about how miserable I am. Which, of course, makes me even more miserable.
I need a fix to this. And I need it fast. I can't keep living like this- if you can even call what I'm doing living at all.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Guess what that's a picture of?
....where my wonderful boyfriend and I get to go for a whole week..ALL INCLUSIVE. That's right, you heard me.
Speaking of, I need to get my passport stuff done. Tomorrow, maybe.
I have never been so excited. It's only a few weeks away...we need to get all of the details done by this week.
Anyway, life hasn't gotten any easier. I just wanted to share with you all that in about four weeks, my life will be a little bit like heaven. Except I have to leave my poor Toby behind. ): He's going to hate us.
To start, I'm in college now. I'm practically a Junior and my first semester was only a year ago. I've done two years...in one. It's been hard and in the process I made my first F (in PreCalculus, in my defense).
I have a wonderful job, that is going to benefit me greatly in the long run. Although, at the moment I am not working. I go back in the Fall Semester....until then, I have about five dollars to my name. Which brings me to this...
I have met the love of my life here at North Georgia. I would have never ever in my entire life guessed that I would meet the man I want to marry (who, may I add is in the Army). He is everything I could have ever dreamed of in a man. He's funny, sweet (sometimes), and knows how to make me happy. However, we do have out fights (and plenty of them!) but I wouldn't change anything about him or our relationship. He's my other half. And my financial supporter ;) To add onto my wonderful relationship, we have a child. Not a human child, no. A sweet, four legged canine child. His name is Tobicious T-Bone Shedd, or Toby for short. He is the highlight of our lives. He gives us good-morning kisses when we wake up, and cuddles up next to our feet when we go to sleep at night. He's the most perfect pet I have ever had.
Speaking of our little love child, we had one of the biggest scares we, as a couple, have encountered together. Our little, sweet boy got very sick. And the Vet told us that it was very, very life threatening. HOLD ON! He's fine, now. He's on antibiotics and a heavy dosage of lovins'.
I have two new roommates. We live in an awesome townhouse with huge closets and our own bathrooms. They have a puppy, too- Baloo. He's a little spastic, but he just got neutered so I think that will settle down a bit. Alice and Justin just got married last weekend (they're the roommates...). I was a bridesmaid for Alice. It ended up being the most wonderful wedding, under the circumstances that I will not go into now. And I, got piss-faced drunk. I was so happy for Alice and Justin, and they knew it, I just really needed a few sips of Champagne.
So, my life seems a lot different than it was a year ago, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It may be chaotic, and a little disorganized and frazzled, but it's my life. My wonderful, romance-filled life.
There are many times in our lives where we find ourselves being hurt by the fear of the unknown. We often times run from things that we fear, as a means of protection and stability.
If life is stable, the chances of change are very slim. Why risk losing what took time to create? What was created? Stability.
I often find myself observing others and realizing, that like me, they were fearful at one point in their lives. They lost opportunities along the way, and continue to do so. Why don't continue to live a life of losses? Why do I continue to look for chances? With each chance a negative and a positive occurs, and we keep learning. I mean, thats the point, right?
There's really no purpose I seek with writing this.
A friend of mine came to me asking my opinion of a decision he had to make. I advised him to "do it" and just flat out risk it. Why would he, you ask? Why risk anything when a negative might come from it? For the simple fact that, there's also a chance that a postive outcome may arise.
I found that in these past four months of my life "risking it", has been something I am so comfortable in doing, especially at this point in my life. I may not be here tomorrow, so why put myself at living a life of regret?
Having taken some risks this past month or two led me to disappointments, but yet also a new found happiness. Things happen for a reason, they ultimately fit together. They really do.
We should all try not to lose hope in this thing called "life."
I wish I was one of those amazingly cheery and humorous bloggers. And, I admit, sometimes I am.
But mostly I post when I feel...Just when I feel. Something.
I wonder why life is a hard thing for some people and a breeze for others. What is it that distinguishes the two?
I so want to be one of those breezers. One of those lucky people who can soar on just the whisper of a wind and rise higher and higher and higher.
Is it something you are genetically gifted with? Or something that you learn? Or something you don't even realize you have?
One thing is for sure. Those who can't catch those breezes wind up, feet firmly on the ground, watching those lucky others circle higher and higher, seeming without a care.
Oh how I wish with all of my body and soul that I could be one of those risk takers, dreamers who believe that their dreams will come true for them, a person that is not so grounded in the quicksand of reality that no matter how far I hold out my arms, I don't have the feathers necessary to take flight.
I was young when I fell up. It was fall, a perfect time. But any season is a good season for doing a thing like that. I was wearing a black shirt and my favorite fitted jeans. I was as happy as Christmas morning. Falling up, contrary to popular belief, isn't hard, nor is it tricky. It isn't scary, nor intimidating. It means you breathe in a little bit deeper, and smile when you let that air out. It means you feel comfy and cozy no matter where you are. It means you are confident, because you've got something really soft beneath you when you fall down. There's a difference in falling up and just plain old falling, you see. When something makes you fall, you feel like you need knee-pads and insurance. But then there's that other thing. That thing that makes you dance no matter how badly you move. It makes you put on an apron and cook dinner, and be proud even when the pasta sticks to the pan. It makes you rhyme. And It makes you fall up. It makes you float into the sky, and sing with the angels. And that's when you know that you love.
My mind started racing the second I laid down to sleep about an hour ago. I then began breathing heavy and having a mini panic attack. I attempted to calm myself and wipe my eyes, then walking a few feet to the bathroom to grab a glass of water. It's scary.
I guess you're wondering what in the world was I freaking out about? School. School? Now that I think about it it doesn't sound so bad. It's the extra stuff that comes along with it that's going to be the hard. It's scary.
Questions are zooming through my head like cars on the interstate: What if I don't fit in? What if I'm not smart enough? What if I get there and I suck at volleyball and the other girls laugh? What if I get homesick? These were only a handful of the questions that were strewn across the big round table in my mind.
But I can't let all of those "what if's" ruin the amount of excitement and happiness. I've wanted to do this my entire life. I'm not even kidding, since I was eleven years old, every time we would pass the school I'd look up at the large, beautiful, brick buildings and say "Grandmommy, that's where I want to go to school." Cliche and lame, I know. But it's the truth.
Spending my last few days of summer with my friends have made me realize how much I'm going to miss them. And what sucks is that I've just recently recovered a friendship with someone who has meant a lot to me for a long time. And now I've got to leave. It doesn't seem fair. Yeah, yeah, I'll be able to come back. But it won't be the same. I won't get to see them everyday, or call them up and say "Hey! Wanna hang?" I guess I didn't realize until now how big of a change this is going to be and how it's going to affect my life. It's scary.
Leaving my dad is probably going to be the hardest out of everything. He's been there for me through thick and thin. Even though we don't get along all of the time, he's still number one. He has acted as my father and my mother for as long as I can remember. He was my best friend for so long and I love him more than anyone or anything. Knowing he won't be right across the house if I need him puts a knot in my stomach. It's scary.
Wanna know another thing that's scary to think about? This is my last-first day of school. Well, not including college. I've got to go into my last year of high school not knowing virtually anyone. I'm going to be alone. And it's scary.
Four days ago on Saturday, August 15, 2009 I met Cap. Cap is the father of Skipper, my dear friend Harrison's beloved pet turtle. Harrison was only allowed a few days with Skipper before (what I like to say) his momma turtle called him home for dinner. Unfortunately I think the reality of that was that Skipper ran away. H was very upset about his missing pet and seemed deeply hurt by his loss. Mid-Monday morning I received a text message from H saying "Bob found Skipper!!" (Bob is H's dad, by the way)
I, being the overly excited friend replied back "Aw, that's great! I wanna meet him!"...little did I know I would never meet the infamous Skipper.
When Alex and I pulled up to H's house on that bright Saturday afternoon after hitting up some Ihop with Zach, we witnessed H taking pictures of something in the grass...his turtle. Now, don't get excited- it wasn't Skipper. But it was a quite beautiful turtle which he named Captain; or Cap for short. He claimed that he was Skipper's father and that he was very old. I swiftly picked him up and began petting his sweet little amphibian head and baby-talking like you would to oh say, a dog or a new kitten. Here's a picture of the old chap- I mean Cap. (He was very photogenic) And yes, he was on the bed on a towel. Well, he was until H put him in a bucket on the floor. Which is not very homey if ya ask me. Anyway, apparently in the past four days Cap had perished and his dead body had been invaded by ants- really a sad story if you ask me. He was a really good turtle. Very active and if you held him his little tail would pop out to let you know he was enjoying the love. I didn't have the pleasure of knowing him long but from what I did know of him was good because it made H happy.
Now that I think about it, the whole writing a blog on a dead turtle thing is kind of weird. But I have a point, I promise.
The action of becoming too attached to something or someone is very easily acquired. It's never really a good thing because in the end you always seem to get hurt. Pets for instance- they're obviously not going to live a lifespan as long as a human would so they'll come and go throughout your life. And it always hurts when they go no matter how long you've had them. Same goes with boyfriends and girlfriends, at least when you're this age. Everyone seems to get so attached so quickly and then when it's over two months later they're crying into a pillow wallowing in their 'love' for their now ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
Why not have fun while you're this age? Date someone that makes you happy and you can enjoy spending time with them. But someone that doesn't make you feel like you have to spend every-waking-moment with them. Getting attached too quickly can result in bad endings. (Not always, I know guys...I'm not asking you to prove me wrong, I'm just sayin')
It just makes me sad to think that my good pal H found something to love and care for and it couldn't stay for a few days.
I'm really not sure if any of this made sense, I'm kind of babbling along because I can't sleep and my mind is going crazy. So, sorry if you guys couldn't follow it. I knew what I was aiming for, at least.
Goodnight, world. Rest in Peace, Captain. .
PS, I've got about four more days until my life reaches the closest it's ever been to perfect and I absolutely can't wait. I'm so excited.
I've packed my bags and I'm ready to hit the road. All of my posters and illegally obtained road signs are stacked up neatly and are ready for transportation. Only five more days of wandering around my house aimlessly while my friends are sitting in class learning about God knows what. It's nice though- being able to spend my last few days with my family. We don't always get along and my stepmom always jokes about how she's ready for all of us girls to be out so she can have the house to herself, but we all love each other. I'm gonna miss them when I'm gone. But not too much, just enough to call them every now and then. (kidding of course, I'll miss them tons and tons.)
I'm a little distracted right now. But I'm about to be sleeping to dream about you. Yes, please.
I ate three bananas earlier. I just got this craving for them and couldn't stop eating them. I swear if I don't stop eating I'll be seven hundred and twenty something pounds in the next week and a half. I really should run at least two miles tomorrow. I was supposed to run yesterday, and the day before that...and the day before that, but that never really worked out for me. I tend to lay in bed all day and be lazy. That's got to change. Sports week's coming up soon...gotta condition for that.
Yikes, my body's going to hurt so bad. But on the bright side, I've got a good guy and I've never been happier. Oh yeah! And Alex's birthday's in like two days, her present is the bomb! Hahaha, I'm being so random. Probably because I'm on the phone and I can't concentrate so yeah.
I need to be bold Need to jump in the cold water Need to grow older with a girl like you Finally see you are naturally The one to make it so easy When you show me the truth Yeah, I'd rather be with you Say you want the same thing too
carrie ward says (3:57:59 PM):i have a lazy eye, you know.
carrie ward says (3:58:06 PM):and when i first wake up i can't open it.
carrie ward says (3:58:11 PM):it's been like that since i was born.
paintball2048 (3:58:53 PM):i love your randomness
carrie ward says (3:58:55 PM):eh, it's alright.
paintball2048 (3:59:22 PM):no like go back and read ur last 4 messages
paintball2048 (3:59:29 PM):its not something to laugh at
paintball2048 (3:59:35 PM):but the random switch is funny as shit
carrie ward says (3:59:42 PM):what do you mean?
paintball2048 (3:59:57 PM):i dunno
paintball2048 (4:00:02 PM):we were talking bout u coming to me
paintball2048 (4:00:06 PM):then just out of the blue
paintball2048 (4:00:09 PM):i have a lazy eye
carrie ward says (4:00:55 PM):well, harrison's the only other person besides me and my parents that knows that.
carrie ward says (4:01:06 PM):i figured you were so important to me that you should know it too.
paintball2048 (4:02:04 PM):that means a lot
paintball2048 (4:02:04 PM):really
carrie ward says (4:02:28 PM):well, you know, i try.
paintball2048 (4:03:16 PM):hahah
Sometimes in life it's the little things that make it go 'round. Life is full of beautiful things and people. I hate that it's taken me so long to realize this. But at the same time I love the fact that I have.
My stepmother, my stepsister and I all went to go see The Time Traveler's Wife today at 1:30. (By the way, it was awesome..GO SEE IT!) But it made me realize how lucky I am to have everyone I do here with me, all of the time. What if everyone just randomly disappeared? Life would be a big bowl of chaos- never knowing when someone will be there or not. The thought's kind of scary, well at least it is for me. If everyone popped in and out of my life I'd be so worried about always being alone. I'd go insane.
I ate some popcorn while I was in the movie. (I really have no idea why I have such a fascination with popcorn) Anyway, it was really really really buttery. Like, almost to the extent that I couldn't stand it. I mean I was getting butter everywhere! On my face, my fingers, even my pants- it was quite unnecessary. But it was so good! It made me think about some things. Good things, of course. But again, it's amazing how little bitty things like that can trigger such large parts of my life.
My face is hurting, it's about to storm. I love being able to tell the weather. Thanks, Dr. Steed!
Life is like a see-saw. It'll be great one day and the next burnt- like popcorn if you leave it in the microwave for too long. You know, my life has been so great lately. Like, the best it's been in a really, really long time. I've got great friends, a guy who cares about me and I'm about to go to this awesome school that holds so many opportunities for me. Yet when one broken memory falls back into my life everything seems to go to shit. You know, it seems great at first. Like the memory did before it became broken.
It's not real. It's like burnt popcorn with butter. Like you're really wanted the popcorn and you're really disappointed that it turned out bitter so you add a little butter in hopes of it overriding the taste of burnt kernels. pop.
I apparently have a bad selection of best friends. Who knows. I, personally, thought my more recent selection was good? Again, who knows.
My biggest fear is being alone. Losing everyone who ever meant something to me. The mere thought terrifies the living fuck out of me. I want to be one kernel, in a bag full of happy, energetic kernels waiting to pop full of life.
I'm done with the bullshit. I've got the people who I can trust. Ford, Jay, David, Melissa, and others mean so damn much to me. I love them. And I'm not letting them go anytime soon. Let's pop together and have a happy, bubbly life.
POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!
Venting always helps. I'm not a burnt bag of popcorn, nor will I ever be. I refuse to let people who don't care bring me down. I'm bigger than that. It's not an act. I'm a large back of popcorn popping away. And I'm not stopping anytime soon.
But I can't burn. I'm like an eternal bag of popping popcorn kernels. I will never burn.
You know how I compared myself to a bag of popcorn yesterday? I've got that feeling right now. My stepmother and I just went to the God-awful Walmart. Now, granted they've got almost everything you need, it's always such a burden to have to go. Especially because they decided to change it up on everyone. I mean, the toys are where the fishing stuff used to be and the pet supplies are in the section that used to hold the baby clothes and necessities. Anyway, we went to get the last of my stuff for my room at school. I always get excited when we do this. So I'm be-bopping around the store looking at all of this fun stuff thinking "holy shit, I'm leaving..kind of like college, but not really. close enough." It's all coming at me so fast. I'm excited and scared at the same time.
I feel like I've become a hundred little kernels and I'm popping away. POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! It's a nice feeling, I must confess.
I can hardly wait until I get to move in. Not only moving in, but seeing all the friends I've met and meeting new ones. Of course I'm going to miss my friends here like crazy, but this is so good for me. I've needed change for a while.
POP! POP! POP!
Last night I took a shower at like two in the morning- I'm strange, I'm aware. But I couldn't think. And my mind was spinning it's wheels like crazy. While I was washing my hear with Head & Shoulders: citrus flavor (used for the sent, not the fact that I have dandruff) I seriously thought about four different topics I could write about. Now, of course, I could either care less about the topic or I can't remember. But, it's whatevsky cause I'm just poppin' away writing about nonsense again.
POP! POP!
I bought a pair of shoes today. I needed a pair of leather sandals or something similar for school. As my stepmom and I were wandering around Walmart trying to think of everything I needed (not that we didn't have a list of stuff, we're both anal about being organized) we searched for the shoe department. Julie, my stepmom, used to get all of her comfy shoes at Walmart so we figured we'd look. And well and behold I found the most comfortable, attractive pair. I put them on the second I walked into the house and sat the empty box on the table. Now, if you've been to my house you've surely seen my cat, Lexie. She's the most beautiful but huge cat you'll ever lay your eyes on. She's quite strange, really. Instead of laying in a spot cats would usually plop their little bodies in she decides to sit on the printer, or her favorite spot- the kitchen table on top of mine or my sister's purses. Well as I sat the empty shoe box on top of the table she slowly crept over towards it and took her cute little hand (my sister and I say hands instead of paws, don't ask why please.) and tapped it a few times. She then plopped her bountiful body inside of the box, or she attempted to. She didn't fit in it to say the least. It was quite a scene. I, in return gave her two cat treats to keep her weight up. Just what she needs.
POP!
..almost done. (you can tell because as popcorn comes to a finish the 'pops!' slowly decrease)
On Sunday, August 23 I will be moving into my dorm only to start Sports Week the following day. I randomly decided that I wanted to play volleyball. It should be quite interesting. I'm extremely out of shape and I have no idea how to go about this game. I'm sure I'll get hit in the face a few times, but it shouldn't be all that bad. Right? It's going to be hard work and I'm going to hate myself after the week's over, but I'm strong. I can handle three practices a day.
I walked outside a second ago to get a drink (they're out in the garage in the refrigerator, weird I know). Anyway, I stood out there for a minute just listening to the sounds of the night. They're all so wonderful. Then I started thinking about the different creatures of nature. Like birds for instance. They don't worry. They come and go according to the weather and if there's a storm they just sit and wait it out. That's trust. I'm not trying to turn this into a religious post but they trust in their creator that everything's going to be okay. They're completely worry-free.
I wish I could be like the birds.
If I could go through life worry-free I bet you ten dollars it would be way more fun than it is now. Not that my life isn't fun, I have a ball. But just think- if you didn't have to worry about getting in trouble or getting hurt you could have the most fun-filled life ever.
Falling in love? Nah, don't worry about it. You'll meet the right guy (or girl, for you guys out there) and eventually be happy. But until then, have fun. Don't be afraid to reach out to others and make relationships. Those always come in handy. Whether it's a friendship or an intimate relationship with a significant other, you can never go wrong with a good relationship.
Getting hurt? I know I'm the one to talk but hey, don't worry about it. If you have trust in yourself you can almost always count on coming out on the other side of the fence a-okay. Well, I did say almost always, didn't I? Don't do what I did, be smart about what you do but at the same time have fun with it. It's okay to be a rebel sometimes.
Why worry? 99% of the time it gets us into more trouble than it would if we were care-free and had no worries about anything. Like I've said, why not just have fun in life? You know, drive a little bit over the speed limit and party a little hard every now and then? Just be smart, but don't worry.
Life is so beautiful, don't cover up the beauty with unnecessary worries.
Okay, first thing first. That new law Obama made saying that senior citizens over the age of sixty can't receive medical attentions is straight up bullshit. They're the core of our lifetime. They know the stories of the past. Sure, that's what we have history books for but those don't give us long lectures about how "back when I was in school we had to walk five miles in the snow up a hill.." You can't act like they're not there. They are human beings- just like everyone else. I guess I'm just weird when it comes to that. Whenever anyone asks me what I want to be when I grow up and I tell them that I want to specialize in geriatrics they look at me like I'm crazy and either respond with "that's sick.." or "you shouldn't waste your time on old people, they're going to die soon anyway." That infuriates me. See, I feel as if the elderly should have people surrounding them that want to make their last few years the best they've ever had. Spending time with them, listening to their stories not only widens the youth's horizon about life but it makes them feel as if they're worth something, as if someone cares. It's crazy. Whenever my family and I or even friends are out to eat and I see an older person sitting alone I honestly want to go sit with them and ask them how their day was. And it warms my heart every time I see little old couples walking down the street, holding hands with a little smile that says "after all these years, I've still got you and I've never been happier". Anyway, the elderly deserve to be treated as everyone else in the world is- don't discriminate on them because of their age...they can't help the year they were born in after all.
Popcorn. Ya know how popcorn takes a few minutes in the microwave but then once it starts popping you think it's going to explode? That's how I feel sometimes. It takes me a little time to warm up and really get going, but once I do I'm like a bunch of little kernels just popping away. It's always fun though. My life never really has a dull moment. I love going crazy and rapping OxyCotton to Ford at 12:00 AM for his birthday, and laughing uncontrollably until my eyes water. It's amazing. And it makes me love life more and more every day.
I've met some of the most amazing people these past few weeks. One of which has become very close to me. Another who has become one of my very best friends. I'll stay up until five in the morning talking to Jay, about things you'd never imagine. It's amazing and I love every second of it.
...see what I mean? I'm blabbing on and on about random stuff. Well, it's stream of thoughts. My thoughts. The ones that really don't matter but are tucked away in my mind like marshmallows. Marshmallows? I'm so random. I love it.
Oh one more thing, I'm about to embark on a big, salubrious journey. Yes, I said salubrious. And I'm leaving everything I've ever known behind me. I'm scared shitless but at the same time I'm so excited I can barely sleep at nights.
