This thing called Life.

There are many times in our lives where we find ourselves being hurt by the fear of the unknown. We often times run from things that we fear, as a means of protection and stability.

If life is stable, the chances of change are very slim. Why risk losing what took time to create? What was created? Stability.

I often find myself observing others and realizing, that like me, they were fearful at one point in their lives. They lost opportunities along the way, and continue to do so. Why don't continue to live a life of losses? Why do I continue to look for chances? With each chance a negative and a positive occurs, and we keep learning. I mean, thats the point, right?

There's really no purpose I seek with writing this.

A friend of mine came to me asking my opinion of a decision he had to make. I advised him to "do it" and just flat out risk it. Why would he, you ask? Why risk anything when a negative might come from it? For the simple fact that, there's also a chance that a postive outcome may arise.

I found that in these past four months of my life "risking it", has been something I am so comfortable in doing, especially at this point in my life. I may not be here tomorrow, so why put myself at living a life of regret?

Having taken some risks this past month or two led me to disappointments, but yet also a new found happiness. Things happen for a reason, they ultimately fit together. They really do.

We should all try not to lose hope in this thing called "life."

They Call Some the Breeze

Well, here I go again.

I wish I was one of those amazingly cheery and humorous bloggers. And, I admit, sometimes I am.

But mostly I post when I feel...Just when I feel. Something.

I wonder why life is a hard thing for some people and a breeze for others. What is it that distinguishes the two?

I so want to be one of those breezers. One of those lucky people who can soar on just the whisper of a wind and rise higher and higher and higher.

Is it something you are genetically gifted with? Or something that you learn? Or something you don't even realize you have?

One thing is for sure. Those who can't catch those breezes wind up, feet firmly on the ground, watching those lucky others circle higher and higher, seeming without a care.

Oh how I wish with all of my body and soul that I could be one of those risk takers, dreamers who believe that their dreams will come true for them, a person that is not so grounded in the quicksand of reality that no matter how far I hold out my arms, I don't have the feathers necessary to take flight.

How blissful that feeling would be.

I can only imagine.

I can't stop my thinking of you.

I was young when I fell up.
It was fall, a perfect time.
But any season is a good season for doing a thing like that.
I was wearing a black shirt and my favorite fitted jeans.
I was as happy as Christmas morning.
Falling up, contrary to popular belief, isn't hard, nor is it tricky.
It isn't scary, nor intimidating.
It means you breathe in a little bit deeper, and smile when you let that air out.
It means you feel comfy and cozy no matter where you are.
It means you are confident, because you've got something really soft beneath you when you fall down.
There's a difference in falling up and just plain old falling, you see.
When something makes you fall, you feel like you need knee-pads and insurance.
But then there's that other thing.
That thing that makes you dance no matter how badly you move.
It makes you put on an apron and cook dinner, and be proud even when the pasta sticks to the pan.
It makes you rhyme.
And It makes you fall up.
It makes you float into the sky, and sing with the angels.
And that's when you know that you love.

let's hit the road, on saturday.

My mind started racing the second I laid down to sleep about an hour ago. I then began breathing heavy and having a mini panic attack. I attempted to calm myself and wipe my eyes, then walking a few feet to the bathroom to grab a glass of water. It's scary.

I guess you're wondering what in the world was I freaking out about? School. School? Now that I think about it it doesn't sound so bad. It's the extra stuff that comes along with it that's going to be the hard. It's scary.

Questions are zooming through my head like cars on the interstate:
What if I don't fit in?
What if I'm not smart enough?
What if I get there and I suck at volleyball and the other girls laugh?
What if I get homesick?

These were only a handful of the questions that were strewn across the big round table in my mind.

But I can't let all of those "what if's" ruin the amount of excitement and happiness. I've wanted to do this my entire life. I'm not even kidding, since I was eleven years old, every time we would pass the school I'd look up at the large, beautiful, brick buildings and say "Grandmommy, that's where I want to go to school." Cliche and lame, I know. But it's the truth.

Spending my last few days of summer with my friends have made me realize how much I'm going to miss them. And what sucks is that I've just recently recovered a friendship with someone who has meant a lot to me for a long time. And now I've got to leave. It doesn't seem fair. Yeah, yeah, I'll be able to come back. But it won't be the same. I won't get to see them everyday, or call them up and say "Hey! Wanna hang?" I guess I didn't realize until now how big of a change this is going to be and how it's going to affect my life. It's scary.

Leaving my dad is probably going to be the hardest out of everything. He's been there for me through thick and thin. Even though we don't get along all of the time, he's still number one. He has acted as my father and my mother for as long as I can remember. He was my best friend for so long and I love him more than anyone or anything. Knowing he won't be right across the house if I need him puts a knot in my stomach. It's scary.

Wanna know another thing that's scary to think about? This is my last-first day of school. Well, not including college. I've got to go into my last year of high school not knowing virtually anyone. I'm going to be alone. And it's scary.

rest in peace, cap.

Four days ago on Saturday, August 15, 2009 I met Cap. Cap is the father of Skipper, my dear friend Harrison's beloved pet turtle. Harrison was only allowed a few days with Skipper before (what I like to say) his momma turtle called him home for dinner. Unfortunately I think the reality of that was that Skipper ran away. H was very upset about his missing pet and seemed deeply hurt by his loss. Mid-Monday morning I received a text message from H saying "Bob found Skipper!!" (Bob is H's dad, by the way)

I, being the overly excited friend replied back "Aw, that's great! I wanna meet him!"...little did I know I would never meet the infamous Skipper.

When Alex and I pulled up to H's house on that bright Saturday afternoon after hitting up some Ihop with Zach, we witnessed H taking pictures of something in the grass...his turtle. Now, don't get excited- it wasn't Skipper. But it was a quite beautiful turtle which he named Captain; or Cap for short. He claimed that he was Skipper's father and that he was very old. I swiftly picked him up and began petting his sweet little amphibian head and baby-talking like you would to oh say, a dog or a new kitten. Here's a picture of the old chap- I mean Cap. (He was very photogenic) And yes, he was on the bed on a towel. Well, he was until H put him in a bucket on the floor. Which is not very homey if ya ask me.
Anyway, apparently in the past four days Cap had perished and his dead body had been invaded by ants- really a sad story if you ask me. He was a really good turtle. Very active and if you held him his little tail would pop out to let you know he was enjoying the love. I didn't have the pleasure of knowing him long but from what I did know of him was good because it made H happy.

Now that I think about it, the whole writing a blog on a dead turtle thing is kind of weird. But I have a point, I promise.

The action of becoming too attached to something or someone is very easily acquired. It's never really a good thing because in the end you always seem to get hurt. Pets for instance- they're obviously not going to live a lifespan as long as a human would so they'll come and go throughout your life. And it always hurts when they go no matter how long you've had them. Same goes with boyfriends and girlfriends, at least when you're this age. Everyone seems to get so attached so quickly and then when it's over two months later they're crying into a pillow wallowing in their 'love' for their now ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

Why not have fun while you're this age? Date someone that makes you happy and you can enjoy spending time with them. But someone that doesn't make you feel like you have to spend every-waking-moment with them. Getting attached too quickly can result in bad endings. (Not always, I know guys...I'm not asking you to prove me wrong, I'm just sayin')

It just makes me sad to think that my good pal H found something to love and care for and it couldn't stay for a few days.

I'm really not sure if any of this made sense, I'm kind of babbling along because I can't sleep and my mind is going crazy. So, sorry if you guys couldn't follow it. I knew what I was aiming for, at least.

Goodnight, world.
Rest in Peace, Captain.
.


PS, I've got about four more days until my life reaches the closest it's ever been to perfect and I absolutely can't wait. I'm so excited.

say you want the same thing too.

I've packed my bags and I'm ready to hit the road. All of my posters and illegally obtained road signs are stacked up neatly and are ready for transportation. Only five more days of wandering around my house aimlessly while my friends are sitting in class learning about God knows what. It's nice though- being able to spend my last few days with my family. We don't always get along and my stepmom always jokes about how she's ready for all of us girls to be out so she can have the house to herself, but we all love each other. I'm gonna miss them when I'm gone. But not too much, just enough to call them every now and then. (kidding of course, I'll miss them tons and tons.)

I'm a little distracted right now. But I'm about to be sleeping to dream about you.
Yes, please.

I ate three bananas earlier. I just got this craving for them and couldn't stop eating them. I swear if I don't stop eating I'll be seven hundred and twenty something pounds in the next week and a half. I really should run at least two miles tomorrow. I was supposed to run yesterday, and the day before that...and the day before that, but that never really worked out for me. I tend to lay in bed all day and be lazy. That's got to change. Sports week's coming up soon...gotta condition for that.

Yikes, my body's going to hurt so bad. But on the bright side, I've got a good guy and I've never been happier. Oh yeah! And Alex's birthday's in like two days, her present is the bomb! Hahaha, I'm being so random. Probably because I'm on the phone and I can't concentrate so yeah.

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too


^^^ Best song ever. FHT :)

it's like rain, on a summer's day.

paintball2048 (3:57:29 PM): i feel important helping you make such big decisions

carrie ward says (3:57:31 PM): you're the only one i'd go to!

paintball2048 (3:57:53 PM): really
carrie ward says (3:57:50 PM): really, really

carrie ward says (3:57:59 PM): i have a lazy eye, you know.

carrie ward says (3:58:06 PM): and when i first wake up i can't open it.

carrie ward says (3:58:11 PM): it's been like that since i was born.

paintball2048 (3:58:53 PM): i love your randomness

carrie ward says (3:58:55 PM): eh, it's alright.

paintball2048 (3:59:22 PM): no like go back and read ur last 4 messages

paintball2048 (3:59:29 PM): its not something to laugh at

paintball2048 (3:59:35 PM): but the random switch is funny as shit

carrie ward says (3:59:42 PM): what do you mean?

paintball2048 (3:59:57 PM): i dunno

paintball2048 (4:00:02 PM): we were talking bout u coming to me

paintball2048 (4:00:06 PM): then just out of the blue

paintball2048 (4:00:09 PM): i have a lazy eye

carrie ward says (4:00:55 PM): well, harrison's the only other person besides me and my parents that knows that.

carrie ward says (4:01:06 PM): i figured you were so important to me that you should know it too.

paintball2048 (4:02:04 PM): that means a lot

paintball2048 (4:02:04 PM): really

carrie ward says (4:02:28 PM): well, you know, i try.

paintball2048 (4:03:16 PM): hahah

Sometimes in life it's the little things that make it go 'round. Life is full of beautiful things and people. I hate that it's taken me so long to realize this. But at the same time I love the fact that I have.

My stepmother, my stepsister and I all went to go see The Time Traveler's Wife today at 1:30. (By the way, it was awesome..GO SEE IT!) But it made me realize how lucky I am to have everyone I do here with me, all of the time. What if everyone just randomly disappeared? Life would be a big bowl of chaos- never knowing when someone will be there or not. The thought's kind of scary, well at least it is for me. If everyone popped in and out of my life I'd be so worried about always being alone. I'd go insane.

I ate some popcorn while I was in the movie. (I really have no idea why I have such a fascination with popcorn) Anyway, it was really really really buttery. Like, almost to the extent that I couldn't stand it. I mean I was getting butter everywhere! On my face, my fingers, even my pants- it was quite unnecessary. But it was so good! It made me think about some things. Good things, of course. But again, it's amazing how little bitty things like that can trigger such large parts of my life.

My face is hurting, it's about to storm. I love being able to tell the weather. Thanks, Dr. Steed!