Overwhelmed.

Everything is becoming too much for me to handle.

I'm not a happy person and I sure as hell can't keep pretending like I am.

It's like one thing after another. I can't live with anyone because I'm too picky and too clean. I'm a bitch to my boyfriend because I get bored after a while. I feel like I'm the red-headed stepchild of my family. No offense to my ginger boyfriend, of course. I'm tired of school because I feel forced to do it and do it well.

I'm in one of those ruts where you just want to lay around all day and do nothing. And what have I done today? Just that.

I'm a depressed mess. I have the urge to cry twenty four hours of every day of the week. And it's annoying.

I'm tired of being a bitch to my boyfriend. I'm tired of constantly being annoyed by every little thing he does. I'm tired of things not working.

And I'd like to be able to say "I wish it could all go back to how it was when I used to be happy" but it just doesn't work like that because, in reality, I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.

Everyone says "you should talk to someone". But what are they going to do say "And how does that make you feel?" and prescribe me some crazy pills? Well, it makes me feel like shit and I don't want crazy pills because I don't want to be another statistic- like my mother.

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!

I can't get away from any of this. And what's even worse, is when I'm by myself, all I do is think about all of this. I sit and I think about how miserable I am. Which, of course, makes me even more miserable.

I need a fix to this. And I need it fast. I can't keep living like this- if you can even call what I'm doing living at all.

Guess what that's a picture of?

....where my wonderful boyfriend and I get to go for a whole week..ALL INCLUSIVE. That's right, you heard me.

Speaking of, I need to get my passport stuff done. Tomorrow, maybe.

I have never been so excited. It's only a few weeks away...we need to get all of the details done by this week.

Anyway, life hasn't gotten any easier. I just wanted to share with you all that in about four weeks, my life will be a little bit like heaven. Except I have to leave my poor Toby behind. ): He's going to hate us.

A new life.

My life has done a complete 180 degree twist.

To start, I'm in college now. I'm practically a Junior and my first semester was only a year ago. I've done two years...in one. It's been hard and in the process I made my first F (in PreCalculus, in my defense).

I have a wonderful job, that is going to benefit me greatly in the long run. Although, at the moment I am not working. I go back in the Fall Semester....until then, I have about five dollars to my name. Which brings me to this...

I have met the love of my life here at North Georgia. I would have never ever in my entire life guessed that I would meet the man I want to marry (who, may I add is in the Army). He is everything I could have ever dreamed of in a man. He's funny, sweet (sometimes), and knows how to make me happy. However, we do have out fights (and plenty of them!) but I wouldn't change anything about him or our relationship. He's my other half. And my financial supporter ;)



To add onto my wonderful relationship, we have a child. Not a human child, no. A sweet, four legged canine child. His name is Tobicious T-Bone Shedd, or Toby for short. He is the highlight of our lives. He gives us good-morning kisses when we wake up, and cuddles up next to our feet when we go to sleep at night. He's the most perfect pet I have ever had.


Speaking of our little love child, we had one of the biggest scares we, as a couple, have encountered together. Our little, sweet boy got very sick. And the Vet told us that it was very, very life threatening. HOLD ON! He's fine, now. He's on antibiotics and a heavy dosage of lovins'.

I have two new roommates. We live in an awesome townhouse with huge closets and our own bathrooms. They have a puppy, too- Baloo. He's a little spastic, but he just got neutered so I think that will settle down a bit. Alice and Justin just got married last weekend (they're the roommates...). I was a bridesmaid for Alice. It ended up being the most wonderful wedding, under the circumstances that I will not go into now. And I, got piss-faced drunk. I was so happy for Alice and Justin, and they knew it, I just really needed a few sips of Champagne.

So, my life seems a lot different than it was a year ago, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It may be chaotic, and a little disorganized and frazzled, but it's my life. My wonderful, romance-filled life.

This thing called Life.

There are many times in our lives where we find ourselves being hurt by the fear of the unknown. We often times run from things that we fear, as a means of protection and stability.

If life is stable, the chances of change are very slim. Why risk losing what took time to create? What was created? Stability.

I often find myself observing others and realizing, that like me, they were fearful at one point in their lives. They lost opportunities along the way, and continue to do so. Why don't continue to live a life of losses? Why do I continue to look for chances? With each chance a negative and a positive occurs, and we keep learning. I mean, thats the point, right?

There's really no purpose I seek with writing this.

A friend of mine came to me asking my opinion of a decision he had to make. I advised him to "do it" and just flat out risk it. Why would he, you ask? Why risk anything when a negative might come from it? For the simple fact that, there's also a chance that a postive outcome may arise.

I found that in these past four months of my life "risking it", has been something I am so comfortable in doing, especially at this point in my life. I may not be here tomorrow, so why put myself at living a life of regret?

Having taken some risks this past month or two led me to disappointments, but yet also a new found happiness. Things happen for a reason, they ultimately fit together. They really do.

We should all try not to lose hope in this thing called "life."

They Call Some the Breeze

Well, here I go again.

I wish I was one of those amazingly cheery and humorous bloggers. And, I admit, sometimes I am.

But mostly I post when I feel...Just when I feel. Something.

I wonder why life is a hard thing for some people and a breeze for others. What is it that distinguishes the two?

I so want to be one of those breezers. One of those lucky people who can soar on just the whisper of a wind and rise higher and higher and higher.

Is it something you are genetically gifted with? Or something that you learn? Or something you don't even realize you have?

One thing is for sure. Those who can't catch those breezes wind up, feet firmly on the ground, watching those lucky others circle higher and higher, seeming without a care.

Oh how I wish with all of my body and soul that I could be one of those risk takers, dreamers who believe that their dreams will come true for them, a person that is not so grounded in the quicksand of reality that no matter how far I hold out my arms, I don't have the feathers necessary to take flight.

How blissful that feeling would be.

I can only imagine.

I can't stop my thinking of you.

I was young when I fell up.
It was fall, a perfect time.
But any season is a good season for doing a thing like that.
I was wearing a black shirt and my favorite fitted jeans.
I was as happy as Christmas morning.
Falling up, contrary to popular belief, isn't hard, nor is it tricky.
It isn't scary, nor intimidating.
It means you breathe in a little bit deeper, and smile when you let that air out.
It means you feel comfy and cozy no matter where you are.
It means you are confident, because you've got something really soft beneath you when you fall down.
There's a difference in falling up and just plain old falling, you see.
When something makes you fall, you feel like you need knee-pads and insurance.
But then there's that other thing.
That thing that makes you dance no matter how badly you move.
It makes you put on an apron and cook dinner, and be proud even when the pasta sticks to the pan.
It makes you rhyme.
And It makes you fall up.
It makes you float into the sky, and sing with the angels.
And that's when you know that you love.

let's hit the road, on saturday.

My mind started racing the second I laid down to sleep about an hour ago. I then began breathing heavy and having a mini panic attack. I attempted to calm myself and wipe my eyes, then walking a few feet to the bathroom to grab a glass of water. It's scary.

I guess you're wondering what in the world was I freaking out about? School. School? Now that I think about it it doesn't sound so bad. It's the extra stuff that comes along with it that's going to be the hard. It's scary.

Questions are zooming through my head like cars on the interstate:
What if I don't fit in?
What if I'm not smart enough?
What if I get there and I suck at volleyball and the other girls laugh?
What if I get homesick?

These were only a handful of the questions that were strewn across the big round table in my mind.

But I can't let all of those "what if's" ruin the amount of excitement and happiness. I've wanted to do this my entire life. I'm not even kidding, since I was eleven years old, every time we would pass the school I'd look up at the large, beautiful, brick buildings and say "Grandmommy, that's where I want to go to school." Cliche and lame, I know. But it's the truth.

Spending my last few days of summer with my friends have made me realize how much I'm going to miss them. And what sucks is that I've just recently recovered a friendship with someone who has meant a lot to me for a long time. And now I've got to leave. It doesn't seem fair. Yeah, yeah, I'll be able to come back. But it won't be the same. I won't get to see them everyday, or call them up and say "Hey! Wanna hang?" I guess I didn't realize until now how big of a change this is going to be and how it's going to affect my life. It's scary.

Leaving my dad is probably going to be the hardest out of everything. He's been there for me through thick and thin. Even though we don't get along all of the time, he's still number one. He has acted as my father and my mother for as long as I can remember. He was my best friend for so long and I love him more than anyone or anything. Knowing he won't be right across the house if I need him puts a knot in my stomach. It's scary.

Wanna know another thing that's scary to think about? This is my last-first day of school. Well, not including college. I've got to go into my last year of high school not knowing virtually anyone. I'm going to be alone. And it's scary.